Expectation

 

Expectation

One of the most powerful tools that we can add to our toolbox is to release expectation.    There are some positive uses for expectation, such as sending your child off to school expecting them to have a good day.  There are some perfectly rational expectations such as expecting water to flow when you flush the toilet.  But we frequently use expectation as a weapon which can lead to sabotage of ourselves and others and we don’t know we are doing it. 

Most of us are familiar with planning a day out, possibly where we go to the park and expect to be able to play on the swings, only to find that the swings are all occupied.   We can wait for a turn or we can find something else to play with.  At least that is what we would tell our children when we arrived at the park and found no swing available.   When a child has an emotional melt down over not being able to find an empty swing, we teach them how to put their attention on something else.  We are teaching them how to handle their emotions.

Some of us are familiar with going on a date, expecting to enjoy dinner and a movie, only to have a huge obstacle, such as a long wait for a table, getting a speeding ticket, or possibly arriving to meet your date in a restaurant only to find they have arranged a double date without telling you.  If we had a specific expectation these obstacles can ruin our evening.  Our emotional maturity is often revealed at times like these.

There is another expectation that I have that causes me quite a lot of discomfort.  I have an expectation of disapproval and censure.   I have had this expectation for the majority of my lifetime and haven’t done a lot of work on it, because I hadn’t noticed that I often set the stage for this outcome.   This expectation is directly related to a need for approval.   The source of my behavior is probably a combination of factors and many different people I was exposed to in my formative years, hence the “need for approval”.  Children require approval if they are being taught lessons via approval and disapproval.  For the child to know they’ve “done it right” they become needy of the parental approval. This trait is stronger where the adults in a child’s life withhold approval forcing a child to work harder for it. 

I am far past any need to gain approval from others, even if I am giving a gift.  My goal is to cause the other person some pleasure.  Even though I had begun work on changing my negative self-talk, I still hadn’t made the connection to my expectation of censure and disapproval. 

Letting go of this expectation couldn’t happen until I admitted it existed.  Searching for the source, many pictures of events pass through my head, but the most prominent and the most powerful, come from my creative expression such as hand drawn pictures, being criticized too heavily.  I may have said to an adult, “I love to draw”, and the adult responding by saying, “It sure doesn’t look like it.”  That response to a purple stick horse with orange teeth, is an emotional immature response from an adult for a child’s drawing.   If I said that I loved to sing, and was told that I would never become a singer, my feelings would be hurt for half my life.  Almost every expression of my creative side met with negative feedback if I “shared” with an adult, especially after first grade. 

One of the ways this expectation of censure has affected my adult life is that I often hide my creations, doing them in private, and sometimes never allowing them to be seen at all.  I have suppressed myself to such a degree that the creativity will squirt from me like a leak in the ketchup bottle.  These events usually involve incomplete thought function such as drawing on the wall with permanent marker.  I won’t ask for advice, or technique, or use the tool best suited for the job, because my efforts aren’t worth the expense.   I struggle to ask for help when I really need it, because I don’t want to hear the negative opinions of others.  I have been working gently and kindly on myself to change this.

The first thing I have done, it to admit that I have expectations of censure and disapproval.  I, Carmen Davis, have expectations of censure and disapproval.  I, Carmen Davis release expectations of censure and disapproval.  Once I’ve said that, there’s a bit more work to be done and it depends on me using discernment.  As my E.Q. matures, so does my discernment.  This is where I laugh good-naturedly, at myself.  Expecting a specific person to change their spots is another expectation.  As I expose who I really am to other learning, growing, changing people, I am rarely met with censure and disapproval.  To continue to attempt to get approval from someone who isn’t likely to give it, is insanity.   As I give it to myself, I expand the possibilities.   When I have a huge problem that I am unable to solve, I now turn toward people who don’t censure or disapprove of me, and open a discussion.   Instead of taking offense if someone censures me, I now know not to put myself in the position of discussing a problem with that person.  It’s a process of elimination.  Simply move on to the next resource. 

I am not defined by my circumstances.  I am not defined by other people.   I love the person that I am and am excited by my expansion.

Sincerely, Carmen Davis