Writing

 

Writing

Writing is a way to express something in a way that simply talking cannot do.  I relate it to fermentation.

Fermentation is a process extracting energy from carbohydrates without oxygen.  I put my fruit juice in a stainless-steel bucket, add yeast and sugar, and stir twice a day.  As the yeast begins to transform the sugar, foam begins to build up, growing, growing, growing, and then poof, it all begins to shrink.  To me this is very much like the discussion of an idea with other people.  When the foam shrinks below the scum line on the sides of the bucket, it is time to pour the liquid into a carboy and make an airtight seal with a trap which I top with a sulfur dioxide solution. 

Fermentation shifts inward as gasses created by the process push the oxygen up and together, they escape the trap without allowing more oxygen to enter.  The fibers of the fruit fall to the bottom of the jug and the juice begins to clear. (Clarifying.)  To me this is very much like writing.  As I write, I process on a deeper level and the thoughts swirl less and less until a clear idea appears.  As more of my attention settles on the clearer idea, more of the murkiness drops to the bottom. 

When I write, I allow myself a free rein.  As I begin to express myself, I can be carried away on a tangent, which I usually allow myself to follow.   Time constraints can change how far I choose to follow a tangent.  If I am writing to an audience, I work harder to bring conformity to my writing such as staying on ONE TOPIC as most of you who have spoken with me in real time, know that I struggle to do.  

The main reason I allow myself to follow tangents is to break free of the rigid restraints of the evangelic training of my youth.  I’m referring mostly to the part where I am a woman and am not equal to a man, that my voice isn’t worth listening to because no matter what I’m going say, unless it parrots my training, is wrong, leading me to believe that I am not any good at anything.

Until I began writing about deeply personal things, I had not realized how judgmental I was.  Maybe it was not as obvious as the people I was often exposed to, but it is impossible to spend your formative years around rigid, judgmental people without some of it rubbing off.  As we judge others, we also judge ourselves.

As I write I began to say, “I think I can, I can, I do, I WILL,” and even, “I did!”  If we don’t free ourselves, we are still bound by our childhood training and we keep saying things like, “I can’t, I shouldn’t, I don’t know what to do, and I’m just not good enough.”

If you really want to find happiness, you’ve got to pull it out of yourself.  It is there, deep in your core.  It was there when you were born.  You were taught to conform.  Every single one of us was taught to conform.   There are rules we should conform to for a good reason, such as not peeing wherever we feel the urge.  Over centuries we have learned how this spreads disease.   That one makes sense, but it does not make sense that dancing is evil when David pleased the Lord with his dancing and joy!  Heck, he even pleased the Lord after he had a man killed for reasons I’m not going to expound on here. 

Until we get feedback on our inner negativity, we cannot see what to change.  When we desire to change, feedback comes to us in little bits.  One of the first things I understood that I could change was my inability to accept a compliment.  I almost always replied with a cruel remark.   To learn to simply say, “Thank you,” was very challenging. 

When I first started writing how I was feeling, it was dreary, heavy, and excruciating!  When I first started reading what I wrote, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and wrung out.  I eventually learned that some writings must be destroyed in order to be free.  You can read over the dark and self-pitying words and “feel” what they mean to you at that moment and then be rid of them.  Whether you notice it or not, your writings will become brighter and more heartwarming to yourself.  You will be battered with emotions again and again, but each time that you release self-pity, you will be closer and closer the daily joy that comes from truly living your most authentic self.

I challenge you to write a REAL love letter to yourself.  Give yourself crazy compliments and remind yourself that you are nothing, absolutely nothing, without you.

Sincerely, Carmen