A State of Pain

I am in a State of Pain.  This is a particularly rough time for me because I feel as if I am being thwarted, especially since I did not publish a September Post.  I have not been able to even type with two hands for 4 days.   I will go to a Sports Medicine doctor on Wednesday for a diagnosis of my left shoulder pain.  X-rays at Urgent Care showed no breaks or any serious problem.  There was just a little bit of arthritis that the doctor was certain would not cause this much pain.  She’s the one that’s sending me to Sports Medicine.  I will either be given an ultra sound or an MRI.   The only two things that I can research after that appointment are bursitis and torn tendons.  I hope it is bursitis! 

I wish to be healed, but I am in this state of pain for a reason.  If that reason isn’t attended to, there will not be much healing.  I did not fall.  I did not have an accident.  In trying to answer the doctors (more than one doctor) questions, I began to focus on what I did do.  I can’t list it all because I can’t remember it all at one go.  

The farthest back that I can remember doing something that could have caused this was two weeks ago.  I did ask for help and I did get help but that means two of us lifted 45 thirty-pound stepping stones in one day.  He carried them to me and I loaded them on the trailer.  When I dropped him off at his house, we both unloaded 20 of those stones.  I handed them to him and he put them on a wagon and carted them away.  The next day my back was a tiny bit sore, my bunions hurt, and I was a bit stiff.  I took it easy all day and lifted nothing heavy.  Within two days I was fine.  To me, this should be the defining activity but I don’t think it was.  I think it was just the first one I can recall easily. Although in order to use the trailer to collect the stepping stones from Sequim, I had to make a dump run to empty the garbage from it.  I put a tarp on the bottom, pile up the trash, and then unload some of the trash and pull the tarp holding the rest of the garbage out when at the dump.  Yes, I did go to the dump alone so yes, I did strain some in pulling that tarp out.  Over the two weeks since that, I have unloaded two 35lb sacks of feed, three 60lb sacks of Quickcrete, one kind of heavy chandelier several times, used the gas-powered hedge trimmer for about 10 minutes, unloaded six of the stepping stones, lifted 3 full propane tanks (two of them twice).  There’s quite a bit more but other than the 12 volt battery, I am not able to pull anything more up on demand.  Oh yeah, there is one more thing.  I’ve been practicing to use crutches.  I was trying to do a little each day. 

I need to learn to use the crutches so that I can get the surgery on my left foot for a troublesome bunion and an even more troublesome bone spur that protrudes from the top of my foot.

Do you see a pattern yet?  I do.  You might think it is due to all of my heavy lifting but that is only an element of the bigger picture.  Being in a state of pain is a signal of an underlying cause.   I am quite strong, even at 63 years old, there is much I can do.  I lift with my legs.  I push with my weight.  I use tools and tractors and YouTube to help me make better decisions around lifting.  Sometimes, I even ask for help.  My pattern of heavy lifting is not the core of my current pain problem.  I always changed up and did something else when I felt I had done enough.  I never once felt a kind of pain that warned me had just done too much with my shoulder in the last 6 months.  It was my feet and back that signaled me when it was time to stop with the heavy lifting.  I stopped.  This problem in my shoulder is acute; meaning it was a sudden thing, not a chronic problem.  I’ve never had this one before.

There is a direct correlation between what my “problem” is and how my body responds.  As I get to this part of my message to myself, my shoulder has begun to throb again.   This means that because I can type like a fiend, I will be able to finish my message, if I get to the point quickly.

I have a vision of a functioning business right here, at my leisure, using my resources, and bringing in an income that would allow me to hire at least one employee, and maybe some seasonal help.  My dream is appropriate and achievable.  What I desire to create will benefit me, my clients, and my customers. 

In order to achieve my dreams, I have made a paradigm shift and am processing the manner in which I accumulate resources, how I store and display them, and how I access them.  I have been very caught up in the sorting and tossing stage and even though that stage is not fully complete, I am in the 3^rd round of it.  I have been working this system into a way of life so that I will always be processing my resources and not hoarding them.  Hoarding simply means collecting resources to store, not to use.  If my resources can’t be used, they may move on.  I am making repairs, rebuilding smaller infrastructure that reflects my chosen life-style.  For example, just because a pile of bricks might offend someone at their home doesn’t mean I should be urged to be rid of it.  I will use it as I am physically capable and where I see it will suit me.  I don’t want to just throw something together.  I want to create with it. Bricks, stepping stones, and retaining wall types of bricks, are valuable resources, not something that must be eliminated or used immediately.

My current challenge is treating everything as if it is part of a display.  I am finding some fun in this. My sister Kari has been creating fun with Halloween decorations.  The lights especially are fun.

It is quite clear that a lot of progress has been made here both by myself and my sister, Kari.  Even Matt has moved the firewood collection forward.  My son Jud, has done quite a bit of the big things like cutting up several logs and taking down the rickety tower.   Things and opportunities have come my way that have cost me a tiny fraction of their value.   I have stepped up to the plate in a way that has opened doors to my progress.  It is imperative that I take the time to note this every day and send out my sincere gratitude for all that I have.

It is also imperative to have fun.  This is where I’ve been letting myself down.  My body has made it clear that it is time to slow down and work within my physical scope.  Even in doing this, I have only so much activity that I can do before I have to stop, usually due to the pain in my feet.  For the most part I’ve been able to work inside of these parameters and change my focus.  But sometimes I need to use those feet for having fun and because I live a “pioneer life style” as my stepmom likes to say, quite a bit of my daily life requires more physical effort than the average lifestyle of a woman, let alone a widow.   

I get really frustrated when I keep looking at my dirty floor and then telling myself I should do something about that, knowing full well that I can’t do it right now.   I can however, drag out the vacuum cleaner with one hand and take a stab at sucking up dog hair.  There are a lot of things I can do and they all take more than twice the time they would if I were fully functional.  This attitude adds to my State of Pain.  The “can-do” attitude is good but it would much better if I could really have fun sucking up dog hair with a vacuum cleaner.  Sometimes I can manage that but my body is telling me that I am not having enough authentic fun.  I’ve actually been able to turn a switch on that makes some of these things fun but even I who can have fun pretending to fish in the back of a pickup truck with a stick, safety pin, and string, cannot turn all of my chores into fun if I don’t really go out and really have fun.

I was having fun creating my concrete retaining wall.  I was having fun sometimes with my power tools.  I was even having fun sometimes with my tractor.  This kind of fun isn’t what I need to be doing right now.  I am not describing what I need to do to have real fun very well, but I can describe how I felt when I saw my niece, Jenifer’s painting on Facebook.  I felt the same as if I had been transported into a boat with a fishing pole in my hand.  It only lasted a moment, but it’s a clue.  I don’t need to go fishing and probably couldn’t reel in my line anyway right now, but I could pick up a paint brush, or put a jigsaw puzzle together, or choose any creative endeavor that I am capable of with one hand and aching feet.  I could even watch movies of my choice or work with my SoulCollage® cards.

My State of Pain is telling me that I am not having enough fun.  My challenge will be to allow myself to step into a space where I can feel this fun beyond where I feel that I have not met my expectations.   I have been through many dark nights of the soul and can tell you that not all States of Pain are physical.  But they all will eventually lead to physical pain if they aren't processed.   Mental anguish can lead to jaw problems, clenching teeth right out of your mouth, headaches, and much more.

I challenge you to become aware of your State of Pain and what it is telling you.  Once you know, you can do something about it.

Sincerely, Carmen