What I am Proud of
Every meeting with my teacher, she asks one thing that I am proud of this week and one thing that I am grateful for. These things are not in the lesson. They are simply what she does as we begin the session. The first several times she did this, I was unprepared for the questions. Finally, I snapped into realizing that she was always going to do this. I started thinking on these questions at least 30 minutes prior to a meeting. The result was that I forgot what the answers were by the time she asked them. I began to write them down and was proud of myself for thinking of this. Then I would lose the note.
It was a strange thing to find the note the next day or the day after but whenever I found it, I would replay the thing I was proud of and the thing I was grateful for. If I did not toss the note I would find it again and again. This has been very helpful in creating the habit of deliberate personal change because I FELT the impact of reading what I had written. It is always easy to find something to be grateful for and my gratitude list is much longer than the, "I am proud of myself for:" list. I am a work in progress, a work of art that is evolving, so there is always something I can find to be proud of if I take the time to look. One of my goals is to pay as much attention to what I am proud of in myself as I put on my gratitude list.
I am challenging myself to write three things that I'm proud of below this paragraph. To make this even harder, I plan to write 3 things that I am proud of that I have done inside of the last 45 days. I'm so tolerant with myself that it makes me laugh and laughter is going to help me think of at least 3 things that I have done that I am proud of within the last 45 days.
I'm scrunching myself up for some kind of punishment. This is a feeling that is worthy of being examined and released. My next inclination is to quickly write something and move on. That is a feeling worthy of being examined and released. What is it that I am planning to do that requires so much thought and examination? I am planning to write 3 things that I have done that I am proud of. Apparently my inner child has been taught not to brag. "Aha," I tell myself, "This is not bragging. This is acknowledging."
1.) When my friend died, I did not jump in and try to manage her ill adult children. I did not force myself to do anything that I did not want to do. I didn't force myself to do anything I did want to do either. I didn't jump to conclusions. I didn't leap forward and offer anything that I couldn't deliver. I did respond to a request that I come and help make the "Estate Sale" signs. I chose to take this duty for myself and do it at home where I could provide the quality of work I expect from myself. I listened to my gut and to my heart. I assured them that not only would I make the signs, I would put them out and pick them up each weekend that they chose to have the sale. I was able to do this in love and with no resentment whatsoever. I was fully prepared to do it week after week as needed. It turned out that I only needed to do it the one weekend so my labor of love was never strained.
2.) When I was approached about helping to find a home for my deceased friends dog, I cried in private. I had already put one dog down two weeks before my friend died and I still had two geriatric large dogs. I cried because the thought of another old dog was a burden. I expressed this thought to my teacher who told me that there were a number of no-kill organizations out there for this purpose. I felt immense relief. I did the research and sent a phone number to my friend's daughter. In her grief she didn't put much energy into it and when she finally did, about 1 week before they had to leave the house, she found that there was a $150 fee to be on a list to be interviewed to see if the dog was a candidate for the system. A step daughter investigated the Humane Society and found that it was a no-kill shelter but they too had a criteria and a waiting list. I agreed to hold the dog until the Humane Society would take her which would be long after the people had to be out of the house. When the Humane Society made contact with the step daughter and she told them of the dog, they recommended euthanasia based on the description of a 12 year old Australian Cattle Dog, flea laden, and blind in one eye. It is clear they manage to be a no-kill shelter by having you euthanize the animal. By this time, I had already brought the dog home, bathed her, cleaned out her ears, and clipped her nails. She was incredibly friendly and truly wanted to please. One of the things she did that won my heart was to climb into the dog bed with Casey, an aging pit bull, with Cushing's Disease. She gave the dog comfort for hours. The next day when I put the sick dog in a containment pen with pee pads so that I could sleep, Wheezy, the new old dog, went to the living room and climbed in her own crate, spending the night as near the sick dog as she could. She did this every night until the end. When Casey died, Wheezy was here for the big black anxious dog, Shadow. Shadow doesn't like to be touched by other dogs so there was one fight but Wheezy is not intimidated by her and loves to be with her anyway. Shadow's behavior was noticeably different on Third Friday with Wheezy being a social butterfly and greeting everyone happily. So what am I proud of in this story? I am proud of myself for taking in the creature in the face of all of my past experiences and having the courage to face the emotional barrage I knew I would go through in surrendering a dog to the Humane Society. I am proud that I was quick to see that my emotional turmoil was well worth the comfort one old dog gave another. In having that courage, I am able to accept another old dog into my life. Not just any old dog, but an old dog who loves and is loving, who is interested in life and participates, who is making Shadow's remaining time more comfortable. As familiar as I am with the death of my loved ones, I did not believe myself ready to invest in another one so soon.
3. I am proud of myself for taking more time for myself to grow rather than to throw myself back into the labor I perceived was needed to run this place. I have isolated myself from the naysayers and from any person or people who in any way insinuate that what I do is really hard, going to be really hard, or ask me how I think I will manage this with the pain I am in. I pull away from anyone who is judging or critical of the level of success I have achieved. In doing this, I have more energy. I get more done. Solutions are coming to me more quickly especially when I do not listen to the voices that remind me that my place is not organized yet. Answers are provided and finances shift to accommodate better solutions. I am not lonely, nor am I needy. I am not desperate, nor am I in a confused state. I clean and organize my home to suit me and the energy flows as I do that. The opinions of others are none of my business. Sometimes I even tell people that and it has been very helpful.
I challenge you to add at least one thing that you did that you are proud of to your daily gratitude list.
Much love and blessings, Carmen
It was a strange thing to find the note the next day or the day after but whenever I found it, I would replay the thing I was proud of and the thing I was grateful for. If I did not toss the note I would find it again and again. This has been very helpful in creating the habit of deliberate personal change because I FELT the impact of reading what I had written. It is always easy to find something to be grateful for and my gratitude list is much longer than the, "I am proud of myself for:" list. I am a work in progress, a work of art that is evolving, so there is always something I can find to be proud of if I take the time to look. One of my goals is to pay as much attention to what I am proud of in myself as I put on my gratitude list.
I am challenging myself to write three things that I'm proud of below this paragraph. To make this even harder, I plan to write 3 things that I am proud of that I have done inside of the last 45 days. I'm so tolerant with myself that it makes me laugh and laughter is going to help me think of at least 3 things that I have done that I am proud of within the last 45 days.
I'm scrunching myself up for some kind of punishment. This is a feeling that is worthy of being examined and released. My next inclination is to quickly write something and move on. That is a feeling worthy of being examined and released. What is it that I am planning to do that requires so much thought and examination? I am planning to write 3 things that I have done that I am proud of. Apparently my inner child has been taught not to brag. "Aha," I tell myself, "This is not bragging. This is acknowledging."
1.) When my friend died, I did not jump in and try to manage her ill adult children. I did not force myself to do anything that I did not want to do. I didn't force myself to do anything I did want to do either. I didn't jump to conclusions. I didn't leap forward and offer anything that I couldn't deliver. I did respond to a request that I come and help make the "Estate Sale" signs. I chose to take this duty for myself and do it at home where I could provide the quality of work I expect from myself. I listened to my gut and to my heart. I assured them that not only would I make the signs, I would put them out and pick them up each weekend that they chose to have the sale. I was able to do this in love and with no resentment whatsoever. I was fully prepared to do it week after week as needed. It turned out that I only needed to do it the one weekend so my labor of love was never strained.
2.) When I was approached about helping to find a home for my deceased friends dog, I cried in private. I had already put one dog down two weeks before my friend died and I still had two geriatric large dogs. I cried because the thought of another old dog was a burden. I expressed this thought to my teacher who told me that there were a number of no-kill organizations out there for this purpose. I felt immense relief. I did the research and sent a phone number to my friend's daughter. In her grief she didn't put much energy into it and when she finally did, about 1 week before they had to leave the house, she found that there was a $150 fee to be on a list to be interviewed to see if the dog was a candidate for the system. A step daughter investigated the Humane Society and found that it was a no-kill shelter but they too had a criteria and a waiting list. I agreed to hold the dog until the Humane Society would take her which would be long after the people had to be out of the house. When the Humane Society made contact with the step daughter and she told them of the dog, they recommended euthanasia based on the description of a 12 year old Australian Cattle Dog, flea laden, and blind in one eye. It is clear they manage to be a no-kill shelter by having you euthanize the animal. By this time, I had already brought the dog home, bathed her, cleaned out her ears, and clipped her nails. She was incredibly friendly and truly wanted to please. One of the things she did that won my heart was to climb into the dog bed with Casey, an aging pit bull, with Cushing's Disease. She gave the dog comfort for hours. The next day when I put the sick dog in a containment pen with pee pads so that I could sleep, Wheezy, the new old dog, went to the living room and climbed in her own crate, spending the night as near the sick dog as she could. She did this every night until the end. When Casey died, Wheezy was here for the big black anxious dog, Shadow. Shadow doesn't like to be touched by other dogs so there was one fight but Wheezy is not intimidated by her and loves to be with her anyway. Shadow's behavior was noticeably different on Third Friday with Wheezy being a social butterfly and greeting everyone happily. So what am I proud of in this story? I am proud of myself for taking in the creature in the face of all of my past experiences and having the courage to face the emotional barrage I knew I would go through in surrendering a dog to the Humane Society. I am proud that I was quick to see that my emotional turmoil was well worth the comfort one old dog gave another. In having that courage, I am able to accept another old dog into my life. Not just any old dog, but an old dog who loves and is loving, who is interested in life and participates, who is making Shadow's remaining time more comfortable. As familiar as I am with the death of my loved ones, I did not believe myself ready to invest in another one so soon.
3. I am proud of myself for taking more time for myself to grow rather than to throw myself back into the labor I perceived was needed to run this place. I have isolated myself from the naysayers and from any person or people who in any way insinuate that what I do is really hard, going to be really hard, or ask me how I think I will manage this with the pain I am in. I pull away from anyone who is judging or critical of the level of success I have achieved. In doing this, I have more energy. I get more done. Solutions are coming to me more quickly especially when I do not listen to the voices that remind me that my place is not organized yet. Answers are provided and finances shift to accommodate better solutions. I am not lonely, nor am I needy. I am not desperate, nor am I in a confused state. I clean and organize my home to suit me and the energy flows as I do that. The opinions of others are none of my business. Sometimes I even tell people that and it has been very helpful.
I challenge you to add at least one thing that you did that you are proud of to your daily gratitude list.
Much love and blessings, Carmen
Man Oh Man I love you!
ReplyDeleteA surprising relationship between pride and gratitude. I suppose finding pride in yourself is a way of showing yourself gratitude. I find it impressive how you can catch your own thoughts. There can be so much we have learned from our cultural and parental influences that might no longer serve us in the way we would like. I think it's helpful to keep these influences in our awareness and use them with intention; as you did notice your hesitation to find pride in yourself.
ReplyDeleteThanks, always, for sharing!
- Cassie